TODAY'S HEADLINES:

Illiterate Man Sues Makers of M&Ms, Says Bag Was Red And They Tasted Like Skittles

Crack down on Illegal Immigrants Threatens New Season of Dora the Explorer

Man Wears Wristband On Forearm During Pickup Basketball Game, Still Can't Shoot

Rapper Caught On Video Using Full "ing" Suffix.

Minnesota Woman Not Attracted to Bald Men, Moves

White Guy Messes Up Handshake with Black Guy

Autopsy On Dead Crackhead Inconclusive

Alleged Cavity Creep Arrested

Teenager Murders Six, Angry Because He Was One Away From Helicopter

3 Year Old Contemplates Where to Put Booger

Black Man Enjoys Vegetables, Chastised By Community

Gay Hippopotamuses Upset Over Lack of Rainbow Colored Hungry Hungry Hippo

Creator of Coupons Found Beheaded, Gets 10% off Funeral Services

Easter Bunny Fights For Rightful Place in Bible

Ever since my mulatto friend got her new Blackberry, she's been sending me mixed messages.

I bet cannibals get sick of people.

A guy walks into a bar, right? He has a few drinks, enough to get drunk, drives home and wakes up the next day. Oh, and he runs over some people on the way home. Five dead of vehicular homicide. Never mind. I always ruin this joke. It's never funny when I tell it.

It takes a big person to admit they're fat.

Has anyone ever not liked the cut of someone's jib?

"I think the spirit of Christmas is as strong as ever," said the Easter Bunny with a smirk.

Kevin Spacey is Keyser Sose. Spoiler. Have I mentioned I have dyslexia?

George Bush does not care about black carpet beetles.

Silly Sally Dillydallied then lost her job to outsourcing.

The road less traveled is usually under construction.

I once saw a homeless man with a set of keys.

Scared chickens are chickens, too.

Brainy blamed himself for the death, but there was no way he could tell that Papa Smurf was choking.

I think God's starting five would be Mark Pope, Brian Cardinal, God Shammgod, Laron Profit and Priest Lauderdale.

And they would always comeback and win.

After we pulled off the bank heist, things got a little messy when we dropped the bags. My partner said it was because we weren't organized enough. I thought it was because we mistakenly robbed a sperm bank and not a money bank. I think we're both right.

Here's a thought: Maybe God is a scientist and everybody's right.

If I were head of an organization that investigated stuff, my first case would be finding out what happened to the black people who lived in Bedrock between the "Flintstone Kids" and "The Fintstone" eras.

I have a million dollar idea that I'm willing to sell for $50,000. Contact me if you're intrested. No police or lawyers, please.

Interesting fact: 100% of crimes committed are committed by criminals.

The grass is not always greener on the other side, unless you're a potato.

If I were a super villain I'd name myself Pussy McCoochie-Snatch, that way, when the cops come after me, at least they'd do it with a smile on their faces. Unless one of the cops is a woman. She'd probably think it was sexist or something.

Women are like fish. It's hard to tell when they are crying underwater.

Here's something I learned recently. Putting four contact lenses in each eye does not give you super vision, but putting five in each eye does.

After one look at the team photo, I realized that the "All-Blacks" is a very deceiving name for a Rugby team.

When little Freddy said, "The Easter Rabbi is here" everyone was about to correct him until a man with long hair, a beard and a robe appeared from above. Drunk uncle Joey had fallen down the stairs again.

No matter what you're doing, you should always give 110%. Unless you're giving blood.

If "The Jetsons" has taught us anything about the future, it's that the white supremacists win.

An old friend of mine had an idea. "Socks, but for your hands." I laughed until the day I heard he died of chaffed penis.

How are gardeners and pimps alike?

They both wear big hats, use hoes and have slaps named after them.

Turns out that wasn't a collection plate, which explains why it was full of cigarette butts.

Wait a minute, you're supposed to put money IN the collection plate?

Holy Bible, Batman!

A Chinese man, a white man and a black, African Amer, Afro, Neg -- ahh, forget it.

Answer: Take a nap right now or the monster under your bed will eat you and all your Baby Einstein DVDs.

Question: What is something you should never say to a 2-year old kid to get him to take a nap?

I think there's too much sex and violence on cell phones these days.

One way to get your husband's attention is to set his mistress on fire.

Wherever he is, I bet Bin Laden still gets his "800 free minutes of AOL" CD in the mail.

When Gus asked if he could give him a back rub, Henry thought this place was just like his old job at the massage parlor, besides the barred cells and bunk beds.

Wonder if white sheep think all black sheep look alike.

He could tell by the look in her eyes that she had conjunctivitis.

Whenever I ask my best friend for a favor she just looks at me funny. That's when I wish my best friend was a person and not a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup.

"Botox!" the raisin shouted suddenly.

What if you were trapped in a building with a janitor and a rhinoceros was chasing you and the janitor had his big key ring with all those keys and was too nervous to figure out which key to use because the rhinoceros is coming but when you turn to look it's just some kid playing with a stuffed giraffe? That would be a good movie.

You ever notice?

One of the worst things that can happen is your dentist showing up late for your root canal then telling you all about how he's also a proctologist and didn't have time to wash his hands.

They should put "NO HUNTING" signs in my neighborhood because how was I supposed to know?

Last night my friend Crazy Craig asked me to go to the museum with him. I was skeptical. It was midnight and the museum was closed, and I saw Crazy Craig put a knife in his pocket. But I decided to go. Turns out Crazy Craig had left his wallet at the museum earlier and a security guard was holding it for him. That's when I learned that not all people with the word Crazy in their name rob museums, but they do stab security guards.

Here's a fun game for the kids. Step 1: Go outside and make a gun out of snow. Step 2: Spray paint the gun black and put it in a freezer for an hour. Step 3: Take your gun and slowly walk up to a cop while aiming it at him.

For even more fun, substitute a cop with an armored truck.

When Tom started his new job at the office, the team decided to take him to lunch. He told his new friends of his world travels. "Niger," Tom said. "You ever been to Niger? It's a country in Africa." Then, he realized he might be pronouncing Niger wrong. But it was too late. And that's the story of why we don't invite Tom to lunch anymore.

If I'd been working on the railroad, all the live-long day, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel like singing about it.

Honey Bunches of Hall & Oates. Think about it.

If you spill grape juice on your picture of Jesus, is it sacrilegious to replace the picture with your Barry Gibb album cover?

I hope I'm alive when they prove Eskimos really exist.

Let's say your friend owes you a hundred bucks, but he's always saying he'll pay you next week. Now you want to do something to hurt him, but you still want him to be your friend. This could work. Go to your friend's apartment with a brick and knock him out with it. Then, set his apartment on fire. When he comes to, be standing on his burning couch dressed in a red jump suit with pointy-ears and a pointy-tail. And be holding a pitchfork if you can find one. Then say "Give me one hundred dollars and I'll set you free." But don't accept a check from him. He is a deadbeat, after all.

The doctor wasn't embarrassed by her queef. He was just surprised it blew his toupee off.

I'm no historian, but chances are the first caveman to eat dinosaur meat got a tummy ache.

When Jesus comes back, I bet he lands some place warm. That way he can wear his sandals and robe and maybe have a cookout before he gets down to business.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but someone needs to look into the fact that mini vans are about the same size as regular vans.

Larry knew he picked the right college when he saw pornology on the curriculum. But Larry was always a wishful thinker and a poor reader.

I hope the day I find a bottle with a Genie in it that I'm in a good mood. And you better hope so, too.

If you see a homeless panhandler begging for food in the middle of winter, I think it would be funny to ask him "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" But then don't give him one no matter what he does. Get a job, ya bum!

If I were stranded on a desert island and I could only have three things with me I'd pick a cell phone with unlimited range, a yacht with four high definition TVs, and maybe some barbeque Pringles.

It seemed like the preacher was speaking directly to me. Then I realized I wasn't at church, but my DUI sentencing.

I was having a conversation with a famous comedian friend of mine when the subject turned to making people laugh. I said the key is good timing. He said that "The key to a proper comical antic does not lie in the complexities of temporal arrangement, but rather flawless execution, especially when expressing jocularity via triviality, diversion or witticism."

He then proceeded to smash a watermelon with a mallet.

This space left intentionally blank.

When little Johnny's mother told him he could be whatever he wants when he grows up, he told her that his dream is to be a slave master. But there's no school for that.

If you're a pretty white girl with aspirations of being on TV but you can't seem to catch a break, try getting kidnapped.

Froot Loops taste like gay Cheerios. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sometimes I wish I was a robot. That way, when people push my buttons, lasers would shoot from my eyes. And maybe I could be on The Tonight Show.

At a party recently a friend of mine was bragging about how smart her little girl is. She told me her little girl could answer any question. So I asked the little girl her theory on how and why Santa Claus was murdered. You should have seen the look on that little girl's face. I stumped her ass.

People probably just threw some sort of large cloth over tables before tablecloths were invented.

Love is never having to apologize for farting, which you do a lot.
Love is keeping your patience, with me and our little snot.
Love is eating dinner all up, even though I really can't cook.
Love is using that cute voice, when you read our son a book.
Love is what we'll always have, something they can't take from us.
Don't you think it's really funny, the way Jasiah says "school bus"?

Happy Anniversary.

You know who'll never be the best? Number 2 pencils.

They laughed when the old lady slipped and fell on the ice. But I didn't. Not until no one could see me.

An animal stole your wallet. Was it the monkey or the giraffe? Neither. A badger did it.

Wearing glasses can make you look smart. Scratching the answers to a test on the lenses can make you look really smart.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but so does not having health insurance. I bet that's why homeless people always seem so healthy.

Note to self: Do not bring meat to cook to Teppanyaki restaurant ever again.

I like fashion as much as the next guy, but you'd have to be crazy to wear a straightjacket.

The first thing I would teach in spy school is keep your trenchcoat collar up and always wear a fedora. You'll really blend in that way.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. But walking through a dark alley at night is a completely different story.

She argued with him because she thought he was too rude. But when he asked her to please shut the hell up, that didn't help matters.

The party was going great until the foreign girl asked him if he is a racist. He explained that he was a race car driver and everyone laughed at the foibles of translation. Later that night, he burned a cross in her yard.

If the monster under the bed ever comes out, I'd offer him a big sandwich. That way, he'd be too full to eat me. And we can play Xbox.

If aliens are so smart, why don't they speak with a British accent?

The next time your boss is being ornery, fussy or cranky, try breastfeeding him.

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have bronchial asthma.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you might bore him to death.

Because fishing is boring.

The next time someone says to me "Hey, that's the way the ball bounces," I think I'll find a ball and hit them in the face with it.

Doesn't matter if you're filthy rich or dirt poor, you should still take showers.

Milk does the body good. Unless you're lactose intolerant. In which case, soy milk does the body good. But not the taste buds.

It's gross.

Of all the people I know, only 4 are a**holes. Which ain't bad if you don't think about it.